You may remember how circa 2011 I created an okcupid account? If you don't fuck you, go back and learn a book. If you do, you're clearly winning at life, you'll also remember that it scared the shit out of me. It got to the point where I actually put tape over my webcam, even though I'm not even sure how to turn the fucker on, because I was pretty sure longdongiwish69 was watching me while he message bombed me telling me he thought we were soulmates. He probably would have gotten further with me if he'd just point blank said "I want to meet you in a dark alley and sexually assault you behind an abandoned rape van". I always give points for honesty. After the third message letting me know that stalker dude was trolling a nearby Long Beach bar just to see if I might go there I decided to ditch the profile. Fortunately I was soon pounding it out with my neighbor so I really didn't need to TFD online anymore.
All of this is just to premise my announcement that I'M BACK BITCHES!! I resurrected my okcupid account and I'm not sorry about it. If anything it will fulfill my need for attention and allow extremely unattractive or socially inept men to tell me that I'm beautiful and (fingers crossed) masterbate to my pictures. Don't judge me. You donate money to the homeless I let unfortunate men beat off to my pictures; let's just call it a draw and say we're both humanitarians.
I'm not assuming I'm going to find my next ex-boyfriend on there. But I do have to say the best part is the sexually explicit messages that entertain me for minutes. Exhibit A:
I would love to tie you down to the bed and rip your clothes off with my teeth. Licking every inch of your body till underneath your ass is a puddle of your sweet pussy juice. I would lick up every drop as I untie your arms and bend you over as I spank your ass a nice cherry red. While your pussy is still dripping I would slide my fingers into you as slow and as deep as I can till I find yourng spot and massage it nice and hard. Making you scream as you come closer and closer to squirting. And when you can't
take any more I would pull my dick out and fuck you as hard as I can pulling out just as you squirt so I can catch every last drop in my mouth.
Alright, let's analyze this bitch. First of all, if your name on a dating website is "nerdywhiteboy69" you are never getting laid. Not even by a chick with a beard and 3 foot long labia. She's busy. Also, what the fuck is a "yourng" spot? I don't know if I have one of those but now I feel like I need to call my doctor and find out. Having the urge to call your doctor after reading a sexually explicit message is not sexy. You lose. But thanks for hoping I might take your virginity.
I also find it intriguing what kind of information people put on their profiles. Honestly my vagina shuts down the second I see the following words: "foodie", "introvert", "romantic", and "sensitive". Guess what? I. don't. give. a fuck. Oh you're a foodie? Great, you like food. Everyone likes fucking food you asshole. Well except Mary Kate and Demi Lovato after she gets dumped. But that's neither here nor there. Also "sensitive" means you're a little bitch and "romantic" means you're going to want to play some John Mayer bullshit and tell me how pretty I am when I just want you to put your mouth elsewhere and turn on some B. Spears.
I'm wondering if I should put on my profile that my vagina doctor told me I had a great looking cervix. Is that what dudes are looking for? I guess it probably puts me a notch above someone with a scary looking cervix or that previously mentioned chick with the beard and crazy long labia. Alright, it's going on there. I should probably also put that I won't do anal until there's a ring on my finger. Just to prevent any nerdy white dudes from getting their hopes up. We all know you twatbuckets can't afford an engagement ring.
Turns out that my best matches are large black men. Is it because I'm sassy? I once had a friend tell me that the first time she met me she assumed I had a large black boyfriend. She was shocked and appalled when my skinny little white boyfriend walked in. Looking back I kind of wish I had been dating a large black man. He probably would have paid for at least half of most things. It has to be because I'm sassy. I mean the okcupid people don't know I have a pretty awesome ass. Or maybe they do. Son of a bitch, I'm putting that fucking tape back up.