Thursday, May 9, 2013

if you can get me out of the gutter you can get it in.

I hate dating. I hate dating more than I hate cancer, teen pregnancy (which actually if there had been a "16 And Pregnant" show when I was 16 I would've been ALL over that), animal abuse and the lack of new Intervention episodes. If they made a bumper sticker that said "Fuck Dating" I'd probably have one. Unfortunately unless I want to die alone with 18 cats, dating is inevitable.

Basically the idea is that you're supposed to be on your best behavior on a first date. You want to seem like a put-together, classy, bring me home to meet mom and she'll love me kind of girl. Well I've decided FUCK THAT. Clearly squelching my inner trainwreck has gotten me nowhere. I haven't found the Kurt Cobain to my Courtney Love because my Kurt has been more like Hugh Hefner without Viagra....BORING and sad. Sad like when you drop half a pizza on the ground and you know you can't pick it up and eat it because a homeless person probably shit in that very spot. I'm not saying I want the male version of Amanda Bynes, though I do want to live inside her body and hear those fucked up voices in her head, but I do want someone who can appreciate a girl that can vomit after taking a whiskey shot and still go back to the bar to finish her vodka tonic. Never leave a soldier behind. Especially when that soldier is vodka. Because I want to find a partner that can outlast my 6 month curse, I plan on being my absolute worst, hot mess self to see how much they can handle immediately. If you can't handle it, try The boring people can follow their dating rules and I'll follow mine.

1. Show up "hangry".

When I'm hungry it's pretty similar to those Snickers commercials. Except I turn into a god damn velociraptor and I will rip your fucking head off and eat your insides. This is something future partner in pounding should know. That way they'll be smart enough to present me with a breakfast burrito in bed so I don't slit their throat for snoring in my face all night. And bacon, don't ever forget the bacon.

2. There is no sugarcoating, it's brutal honesty all the way.

If you ask me "why are you single?" you better make sure you just ordered a fresh drink because I'm going to tell you everything. I'm going to tell you all about my Daddy issues, my abandonment issues, my unprompted jealous rages, my unmanageable insecurities, the way I hate when people eat loudly; to put it bluntly, all the Amanda Bynes and Lindsey Lohan issues rolled into one. I'd rather just put it all out there so when I'm crying in a gutter with a 40 you'll know it's probably just because my dad never loved me and someone told me I suck at blow jobs once. Just tell me I'm pretty, put a straw in my bottle and hold my hand when you drag me home.

3. Look at me. No seriously, you better fucking look at me.

In the past I've pretended that I don't really need that much attention and I'm one of those cool girlfriends that has their own life and they're too busy to answer their phone or whatever. I do have my own life, BUT I'm still going to need you to text me obsessively and post pictures of puppies on my Facebook wall with a link to where you can buy them for me. I don't care if this sounds crazy. Crazy people make awesome girlfriends. Look how happy all the husbands on the Real Housewives show look. The ones that aren't dead I mean. My future boo needs to know that I require his undivided attention like a jealous girlfriend who's best friend you drunkenly fisted and your brother played the youporn video at Thanksgiving dinner. Yup, it's like that. I'm always busy. But I'm still gonna need those texts messages.

4. I'm not paying. Fuck feminism.

I have weird pride issues when it comes to money. I'm pretty sure it's because my mom has always worn the pants and she'll cut you if you try to pay for anything when she's around. But I've learned the hard way that throwing down the wallet too early can create either a sugar momma situation or the dude  decides he wants to keep his balls intact and stops reaching for the check every time. I don't mind footing the bill, but I also really enjoy buying slutty shoes (note: this also benefits you) and I can't do that if my credit card is full of korean BBQ and dive bar charges. Also I don't want to have an awkward moment every time the check comes. So to make things easier, I'm not paying for anything. And I'm getting a double, every time. Problem solved.

5. I will be as offensive as possible. No one is safe.

I can pretty positively say that I have not gone one day without offending someone since the mid-90's. I guess that's why people either love me or hate me. If you have a weak stomach and morals get the fuck out. Ain't nobody got time for feelings. To make sure baby daddy can handle it the following conversation topics will be broached on the first date:

a) Terri Schaivo. I will refer to anyone that displeases me as "Terri" or "Schaivo" or "T Shy", whatever. If you look horrified, "Check please. Oh no, slide that right over to boring dude, thanks."

b) Abortion/kicking babies/maiming children. I might say something like, "Is that a wire hanger in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Or I might tell you that I'm in a bad mood and want to kick the cute little baby in the booth next to us. If you get a tear in your eye and gush about how much you love your nieces and nephews I will fuck the weird guy at the bar. Right in front of you. Put it on youtube. I'm willing to take one for the team, literally, so you can stop being bland.

Also I will curse constantly and not be sorry about it. I'd rather just get it all out there so you aren't mind fucked when I have a bout of road rage and call the old lady in the Pontiac a dried up old cunt bag with nasty wrinkled labia. If you can't handle it, leave me with my drink and the dude with Tourette's. We'll be just fine.

6. You will hear all about my exes and why I will never meet any of yours.

The only way to understand why I take no shit and give no fucks is if you hear of my tragic dating history. If you read my blog, we can totally skip this part and go right to foreplay. Also I plan on making it very clear that if you bring any of your ex-girlfriends around me, I don't give a fuck if it was your kindergarten girlfriend and she hasn't shaved her peesh in three years, I will kill her and you. Taking the high road? FUCK THAT. I prefer to wallow in the gutters. I can guarantee that you will never meet any of my exes. Mainly because they're all dead. I mean, missing. Allegedly.

Bottom line is the only people I keep around are the ones that have experienced me at my absolute worst. They have pictures of me barfing in bar parking lots. Or running pantless down the street. Or throwing Obama signs at parked cars. Or kicking a naked dude out of my apartment at 3 a.m. Or ugly crying because another stupid boy metaphorically stomped on my chest. These are my people and I love them. If they can appreciate me at my trainwreckiest, then so should any dude I let penetrate me.