Wednesday, January 7, 2015

I promise to continue propelling towards death in 2015. Cheers.

In general I don't believe in making New Years Resolutions. Why bother? We all know we're not going to remove money from our beer fund to give to charity, or stop masturbating to infomercials, or refrain from blacking out and sending messages to dudes on OkCupid telling them their mother doesn't love them. What would be the point in living? However, I have decided to make some resolutions that I know I can keep and that will not better my life or anyone else's. You're welcome.

Resolution #1:

Drink more, but better booze. Because I'm worth a $15.00 bottle of wine and I'm a mother fucking grown up with a real job. Also I'd prefer to have a manageable hangover on Wednesday morning as opposed to one of those hangovers where you have to blink a lot to prevent your brain from exploding. I would also like to not have to constantly reassure my coworkers that I'm not pregnant. Pretty sure I've been eyed near stairs. That ain't a baby bitch, that's a burger.

Resolution #2:

Date more shitty dudes. I mean that's really all there is anyway, right? I'm pretty sure all the great bearded wonders are on an island called "Ain't Gonna Fucking Happen" with the unicorns and leprechauns and forest nymphs. However if I do find this island someday I promise to NEVER TELL ANY OF THE REST OF YOU BITCHES. Because women don't share. That's why we can't be President. Also if I stopped dating shitty dudes what would I do with my life? Be content and fulfilled? Gross. Anger bangs are the new monogamy.

Resolution #3:

Get more tattoos. A shit ton more. I'd like to test the limits and see how many tattoos I can cover my body with before corporate America has a stroke. Also this albino skin is the perfect canvas so who am I to waste that? My first one in the new year should probably say "Daddy Issues" in black light ink. I mean, might as well mix art and function. Also, women's rights.

Resolution #4:

Travel more. I've traveled a lot within the U.S. but I've never left the country (besides Canada which was rad) and I feel like other countries need to know about me. I already know the Australians are into this because I've had quite a few of their tongues in my mouth. And I maybe allowed one to put it in me while in bed with my passed out friend. Allegedly. I can also confirm the Irish aren't scared of my blackouts and dirty talk from an Irishman is maybe one of the best things ever. I think it's about time I terrorize the French, German and Spanish. Summer 2015: start manscaping now gentlemen. I'm pretty sure the whole point of traveling abroad is to explore monuments, and other people's bodies.

Resolution #5:

Return text messages in a timely manner. Unless it's from a dude. Then wait 3 days to 3 weeks. Depending on how many other dude texts I'm ignoring at the same time.

Resolution #6:

I will stop  being the "bigger person" if that means letting a dude act like a fucker. No I do not want to be your friend after you bone me a few times then decide you'd like to bone some boring bitch but I should be cool with it so you don't have awful dating karma for the next 3 years. No. My friends are fun and awesome and I don't let them penetrate me. (Mostly.) I'm good on the friend quota, thanks. I will be the "vengeful person" and wish you horrible, terrible things and possibly try to hit you with my car when I see you walking down the street. Allegedly. Also I hope you get crabs.

Resolution #7:

Embrace the booty. Turns out 2015 is the year of the ass. I know this because during brunch on the first day of the year I encountered the most incredible ass I've ever seen. It was epic. I know the word epic is used incorrectly all the time but seriously, it works in this case. You could put your pitcher of margaritas on it AND bounce a small child off of it. It almost brought a tear to my eye. Therefore, I am proclaiming 2015 the year of the badunkadunk and will be knocking your toddlers over at Bevmo with mine. And I won't be sorry. (Dear parents, if you bring your child to Bevmo and it is blocking my path to the $0.05 wine sale I will trample it. You've been warned.)

Resolution #8:

This is my one resolution that is outrageous and much like promising to stop day drinking or truly feel happy for your friend and her super great boyfriend or not to fart in your bosses office when she's not there; but I'm going to give it as much effort as a porn star pretending she's into the nasty dude railing her. I'm going to immerse myself in new places and new people. I'm pretty comfortable in the people that I surround myself with now and moving back to the LBC isn't a huge deal since I've lived here off and on for years. But I think I've always been closed off to truly making this city my home and embracing all the weirdos that live here. I'm going to go sit at bars by myself and talk to old men, saucy women and douchey dudes. I'm going to get to know my neighbors and find out what their story is. (I am NOT going to fuck my neighbors. LESSON LEARNED.) I'm going to embrace socially awkward situations with humor and whiskey. And I'm going to FUCKING NAIL IT.

So here's to 2015 being a boozier, boner-filled, magical year. Cheers mother fuckers.