Wednesday, June 21, 2017

What if Stella had never gotten her groove back?

I’ve recently realized something pretty important about myself…I am a lone wolf.

People annoy the fuck out of me. Seriously. I get that everyone finds human interactions annoying, but I honestly really really hate them more and more. I hate having to make small talk, I hate the pleasantries with strangers, I hate responding to text messages and fuck my life if I have to actually answer the phone.

I had just decided that it was because I’m a bitch, but I think it’s more than that.

Having to move back home and interact with human beings all day, every day, has really solidified that I will go into serious, serious credit card debt before I ever have to live with people again. I am legitimately losing my god damn mind. All I want in life is to come home to a house empty of humans with only my furry children waiting for me. No noise except for my cat screaming at me to feed him and the puppy crying because he’s so happy to see me. They would never ask me about my day because they can’t. And god bless them for it.

I just adopted a puppy, Pierre, two weeks ago so I’m pretty much hanging on by a thread in general right now. I love him so much but mother fuck a puppy is exhausting. Have you ever tried to make dinner while running back and forth between two rooms to make sure your puppy isn’t shitting and/or pissing on the rug or eating someone’s shoes? All you end up with is burnt food that you don’t even get to eat because right when you sit down the puppy has to go on his 330th walk of the day. (Sidenote: If you’re trying to get back to your birth weight, get a puppy. You never have time to eat and you don’t get to sit down either.) (Other sidenote: someone please help me.) Also, trying to do laundry while your puppy pulls your clean clothes out of the dryer and drags them into his water bowl is super fun. You should try it sometime. Even better is getting to “sleep in” until 6:00 a.m. on weekends because Pierre is sick of his crate and wants to do sprints up and down the street. I have to say the most inspiring moment of puppy mom life so far is when Pierre pantsed me during a walk. Little fucker yanked on my sweat pants and boom, there it is. I’ve been humbled to the extreme these past two weeks.

I think when I have a dog my retreat from humans becomes even more necessary. Why would I want to hear about your boring ass day when I can watch my puppy do bunny hops chasing after crickets? Oh, you’re tired? Cool, I’ll call you every time I have to get up in the middle of the night to take the puppy out and see how tired you feel the next day. I don’t have time for your bullshit Susan. I need to watch Pierre on the dog cam at daycare for fucks’ sake.

There is something to be said for why we need to leave the nest in our 20’s. The theme of my 30’s has been “leave me the fuck alone” and that’s not really vibing with my roommate situation. I don’t think anyone in their 30’s wants to be asked where they are going and what they are doing.  Where am I going? I’m going to participate in a condom-less orgy in a crack den on Skid Row. See ya roomies. It’s gotten to the point where I wait until they’re both away from the front door and just sprint out so I don’t have to hear people’s words and respond to them. I would love to receive the silent treatment. It would be a Christmas fucking miracle!  

I’m hoping that when I move to Seattle, and I won’t be forced to constantly interact with humans, that maybe I’ll actually want to. Or maybe I’ll go completely feral and get a job working from home, get all my groceries delivered, and hiss at humans if they try to interact with me. I can legitimately picture that life and I don’t hate it.

If you don’t hear from me after I move, it’s fine. I probably just left my cell phone in a gas station bathroom and disappeared to go live my life. Don’t worry, I’ll keep my Amazon wish list updated so you can send me and Pierre shit. Byeeeeeeeee!