Sunday, May 11, 2014

there goes my amber alert...

A few weeks ago my friend texted me that he had a friend he wanted to set me up with. Two emotions came over me; diarrhea inducing fear and the kind of curiosity that gets you raped and murdered or syphilis. The fear mainly stemmed from the fact that my matchmaker friend is a fucking pervert. Trying to pee on someone is a Tuesday night for this guy. He tried to woo me once by plopping his penis on my shoulder and saying "He likes you" in a voice that mimicked every child rapist on Law and Order SVU. Fortunately to keep my STD count to 0, I slapped it off my shoulder and smiled while he flailed around screaming like a toddler. Long story short, this guy is an awful human being.

The curiosity stemmed from trolling his instagram and noting he has some smoking hot friends who look employed and bathed. Pretty much the only two standards I have left at this point. Thirty is sneaking up on me God dammit and I've had to cut things like "motivated" and "kind" out of the equation completely. Bring on the lazy assholes!

Against my better judgement I agreed. But I asked what the dudes name was so obviously I could internet stalk him to see how slutty I should dress and if I had to shave my legs all the way or just do a half ass job and show more boob. Yes, girls think these things. That's why we're better than you.

So I get the guys name, a completely uncommon name, which was rad so I didn't have to wonder if he was a 14  year old Mormon or a 59 year old Asian man. The very first link that comes up is for a sexual predator website. Fucking awesome. I prayed to any God that wasn't busy that this was the wrong guy. Clearly they were all involved in a group gang bang because this was my rapey Prince fucking Charming. My friend wants me to be penetrated against my will. I'm a lucky girl.