I saw some shit online about Disneyland and it inspired my third rage blackout of the day. The first was when I discovered that my blacked out ass knocked Ibuprofen all over my kitchen last night and the second was when I stepped on a dripping wet pee pad after I had just dragged my ass out in public so my dog could pee on someone else's property. Again, I went to college and this is my life.
I've never been a Disney fan. My mom said she was so excited to take me to Disneyland for the first time when I was like 4 years old and the second I saw one of the characters I screamed my ass off and ran for the exit and tried to leave with an Asian family. Why was anyone surprised? It's a total mindfuck that you see these people and talking clocks and shit on your TV and then all of a sudden it's standing in front of you trying to touch you. NOT running like hell and screaming your ass off seems abnormal. What kind of life lessons are we teaching our children? If I had kids you're god damn right I'd be telling them that if a candelabra tries to touch them they should run for their fucking lives. Also I've seen the way Goofy pelvic thrusts at children. Keep your dick away from us Goofy you son of a bitch.
Can we also talk about how Disney movies ruin your life? Apparently when you wish upon a star your mom dies, or your dad dies, or you get pricked and sleep forever, or little demon dwarfs make you their bitch. The people that work for Disney clearly have daddy/mommy/aunt/uncle/grandpa/grandma issues. Ya'all are fucked up. I had nightmares that my mom was going to be shot (Bambi style) or just pack her shit and leave me one day (almost all other Disney movies). No one has a great Mom in Disney movies. And if you have a cool Dad? Oh, well he's gonna die too. Maybe your Uncle pushes him off a cliff and you watch him fall to his death. Or maybe he marries some evil cunt who kills his ass to pay for her vaginal reconstruction or whatever. Either way, your going to be alone and unloved. Something to really look forward to!
I also blame Disney for turning us all into sad cat/dog ladies. Animals can talk and be your best friend. That's totally normal. Why wouldn't you have mice and birds helping you get dressed in the morning? Why wouldn't my dog respond when I ask him to back the fuck up and give me 10 more minutes of sleepy times? The people in Disney movies are generally assholes. So of course we should hate people and be friends with animals. Dear Disney, thank you for reaffirming to a child that people are twats and animals are your only friend. Clearly I've become a very well adjusted adult.
Can I also point out that Disney really fucks with our heads when they make us sexually attracted to animals? I mean, who didn't want to fuck Simba? I did. I wanted to get down so hard on that animated dick. I'm not even ashamed to admit that I was a little sexually attracted to Pumba. Don't you fucking judge me. To this day I'm more likely to leave a bar with a short chubby dude. But seriously, it's hard enough going through puberty and trying to understand what's happening to your body and now I have to worry about wanting to hump on animals? It's a miracle I made it to adulthood. Seriously. I probably have PETA waiting outside to throw paint or feces or something on me. Cool.
I also learned that you're never gonna get the high quality D unless you're white, helpless, preferably stupid, and supermodel smokin hot. Also, Prince Douchebag is gonna need you to be asleep so he doesn't have to listen to your ass talk. I'm not the damsel in distress type. I will probably start a bar fight before you and I walk my dog at 3:00 a.m. with my shank out ready to stab a bitch and I hammer shit into my walls all by my god damn self. I've played the helpless, dumb, opinion-less girl before and it's not my jam. I don't need to be rescued. If I'm asleep and you try to molest my mouth that's called assault. Although if you want to walk my dog for me at 3:00 a.m. so I don't have to put on pants, that's modern chivalry and I'm not mad about that. A true modern romance is two people getting blacked out at a bar, swapping STDs, and deciding to make it work and move in together because rent is high as fuck and sharing toilet cleaning duties with another person makes life slightly more bearable. This is the reality when you don't have a mouse to bleach your toilet for you.
If you're still waiting for your Prince Charming or if you've been arrested for trying to hump on a lion or inanimate object I get it and I think you should sue Disney. Class action lawsuit. Protests. All of it. I got your back.
Now I'm gonna go watch The Little Mermaid and count the phallic symbols and try to pretend I'm not still sexually attracted to Sebastian. Cheers.