Why is it that the very second you change your relationship status on Facebook you feel like the next text you get is going to start off with, "Hey...we need to talk..."? With maybe a few more of these ... and possibly even one of those confused face emoticons that I fucking hate. I wasn't confused when I got your text but now that you added that little fucker I don't know what the hell this conversation is going to be about. So thank you for giving me butt crack sweat and a severe case of indigestion while I sit at my computer for the next 8 hours at a job that already makes me contemplate suicide on a regular basis.
For those of you who know me well I suck at relationships. Seriously. If I make it past date three that's like winning the Special Olympics. If I make it to month three that's like cheating and winning at the Special Olympics. Epic stuff. However I stand by my belief that it's because I'm too fun for anyone I've dated. They believe in things like sober days during the week. Also going to bed before midnight and having dinner without wine. What the fuck is that? I don't think you should force the person you date to become a Mormon. I didn't sign up for that shit and I'm not waiting until marriage...for anything.
The one time I felt enough confidence to actually update my Facebook status to "In A Relationship" I immediately regretted it. Now it's out there and before I could even refresh the page and decide maybe I wasn't ready the fucking thing had 87 likes and 54 comments. Weird since I only had 16 Facebook friends. The pressure was on. Now if it didn't work out the whole goddamn Facebook world would judge me. I'd be getting e-cards with inspirational messages like "You're better than that" or "There's more fish in the sea." Really? Is that a sperm reference because the last thing I want to think about is some rebel sperm penetrating my drunk little egg. Especially since for the next 7-8 years I only plan on having one night stands and lots of hate sex since men are evil and women are too fucking nuts for me to cross over to the other side.
Maybe this whole process would have been easier if Facebook had clearer delineations for what kind of relationships people are in. Instead of jumping right into "In A Relationship" I would have much preferred changing my status to "He doesn't make me want to vomit and I only consider punching him in the face once a week." And then maybe the next step would have been "I might be willing to put a finger in his ass during oral."These seem way more realistic. By the time we were ready to break up everyone would have been ready for it because I would have updated the status to "Does anyone know where to hide a body?". No shockers then when I suddenly became "Single" again.
After the first incident I swore I would never update my relationship status on Facebook. It was kind of easy since "Whoring it up" or "Trollin for dick" were never options anyway. Unfortunately every so often the embarrassing girl inside me exorcises my soul and makes me do things I consistently regret. In this case, after a bottle of wine (alright bitches two bottles of wine) I decided that I was taking the plunge and updating my relationship status. I literally paced back and forth in front of my computer for 20 minutes arguing out loud to myself. Thank god my neighbors already think I'm a psycho. Finally I did it and shut my computer off. Honestly I figured at this point the only more embarrassing thing would be to change it and then immediately change it back. I mean seriously...get a gun.
Of course within second my phone blows up with Facebook messages. And even cuter it posts my updated status as a huge billboard on my Facebook. Thank god I've gotten into the market of trading Xanax for Vicodin because it took more than they found in Brittany Murphy's bloodstream to get me through that first hour.
I was 100% sure that within the next 2 hours I was going to be dumped. He was going to come out of the closet, announce he has actually asexual and faked it every time, or that he was moving to Utah and becoming a Mormon. The third one would have literally driven me to suicide. I don't want to be responsible for making someone hate their life so much they want to swear off everything I enjoy about life. Every time I got a text message I thought I was going to shit my pants and/or barf on a stranger. Thank god for Costco and their bulk items.
All of this could have been prevented if Facebook would just pull their heads out of their asses and allow us to update our relationship status to something that makes sense. Mr. Facebook guy, if you're reading this, I would appreciate it if you would allow me to update my status to "My peesh is off limits, but I'm still fun."Put that as a Timeline billboard suckas.
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