People who enjoy dating are Masochists. Dating fucking sucks. It sucks worse than one of those epic bouts of food poisoning where lava is flowing out of your asshole and you're puking so violently into the trashcan that it's splattering your face and there's nothing you can do to fix it.
When someone says they like dating I decide immediately that I don't want to date them, ever. I won't even let it buy me Taco Bell even though it's 2 a.m. and all I can think about is how much I want a burrito in and around my mouth area. Why? Because if you're into dating and therefore a Masochist you're going to be into some weird shit. These are the guys that want you to pee on them and then roll around in your urine or they want to do it "Rockstar" style. The "Rockstar" style is something new I learned recently and is a perfect example of why I hate random dating/hook ups. During a recent awkward encounter I found out the hard way, so many puns intended, that doing it "Rockstar" style means bareback. Some of you may also call this "raw dogging" which makes me puke in my mouth and promise my vagina that she's better than that. Things were going fine, not great just fine, until Tommy Lee rips off the condom, throws it against the wall and mutters something about "boring" and tries to pull a sneak attack on my peesh. Let me just throw it out there that I assume any dude I'm hooking up with has HPV, Herpes, all the kinds of Hepatitis and maybe even some STD that no one has heard about yet. I'd rather assume that a hazmat suit is necessary than have weird shit growing on my vagina. So I asserted my right as a white woman in America and threw that fucker out. I have to say I experienced more pleasure in seeing his look of fear and handing his friend his boxers and shirt the next morning than any kind of potential orgasm situation. Also you really shouldn't throw lubed condoms against a wall, it's gross. Have some respect Motley Crue.
I kind of get off on awkward situations. Watching socially awkward people flirt is one of my all time favorite things. Turn that into a reality show on Lifetime and I won't leave my apartment for the next three to four months. No joke. If I get the rare opportunity to witness this in person it's even more amazing. This might make me creepy but I give no fucks about that. Recently I learned that I don't like this as much when instead of two socially awkward people it's me and a dude who wouldn't realize that I'm not into him if it reached around and tickled his balls.
When I'm blacked out it's easy to mistake my lack of brain function with me being pleasant and possibly even friendly. In reality I'm just too fucking drunk to notice that you've had your hand down my shirt for 30 minutes. This is how "accidental dates" happen. When I think I'm just going to get free margaritas, maybe even a couple of tequila shots if I play my cards right, and suddenly freak of nature guy is telling people I'm his girlfriend and trying to hold my hand under the table like we're in love or something. I black into my life for a second, realize what's happening, don't know how to fix it, then proceed to go full Terri Schaivo status and stop all brain activity so I don't have to deal with the situation. When I wake up the next day I will ignore your Facebook friend request and feel nautious when you text me every 10 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love attention. I'm okay with sharing the spotlight, but if I'm not at least the co-star of the show I'm secretly pissed and on the verge of choking everyone or flipping a table to put everyone back in check and remind them that I'm fucking awesome. It's easy to just hang out with a dude when you have a boyfriend because they know nothing is going to go down. Once that barrier isn't there, I feel like I have to make it clear what this night is about. I feel like the best way to handle this situation is to be honest; my go to phrase is "We're not fucking. But feel free to do shots with me and give me a lot of attention." If you don't like it then stop passing me tequila shots. Also don't try to hold my hand. EVER.
I hate that when you're pounding it out with someone you don't know so well you feel like you have to maintain a level of politeness. Especially if you're not sure if there's going to be a round two, or if you might want to let this person be a frequent guest on your reality show. My least favorite situation is the little engine that clearly couldn't, but wouldn't accept it and kept trying. I get it, whiskey dick happens. With the amount of alcohol I consume on a daily basis I'm fully aware of this and I won't judge you, much. But if we both know it's not going to work yet you insist on plowing away I'm going to kind of hate you when my peesh is sad and just wants to be left alone with a bottle of wine for the next 3 weeks. Also every dude I meet during this necessary hiatus hates you too. Thanks for ruining it for everyone. At least when this happens with someone I'm familiar with I can politely say "Get the fuck off me so I can drink a beer and see what's on HBO" instead of being completely silent and making pained faces until dude realizes that I'm less than not into it, I actually HATE it and want it to stop immediately. Also apologizing profusely doesn't fix it. I don't want to have to comfort you when I need you to leave so I can apologize to my vagina for letting that go on for longer than necessary.
I fully believe that the whole idea of monogamy stems from pure laziness. It's fucking exhausting constantly having to learn how someone likes their blow job, if they're a morning sex person or if they want you to call them daddy and punch them in the face when they blow their load. I imagine that after being with someone forever you know all the go to's and already have your fist clenched when they start making that weird squeal/yelp noise. It's almost like having a second job that most times pays really shitty and ups your dry cleaning bill. I wouldn't be opposed to an arranged marriage. If my mom wants to man hunt for me and convince some dude who makes 6 figures that I'll be a great wife and bear him lots of fetal alcohol babies I'm totally cool with that. I feel like in most cases I'm getting the better end of the deal. This poor bastard is stuck with me and I can stop shaving my legs and snort his epic paycheck right up my noise when I'm not injecting it into my arm. Also I wouldn't have to learn anything about anything because I'd be too fucked up to be more than a corpse. I'm calling my mother immediately, this needs to happen before I'm 30 and full blown tragic cat lady.
On the other hand, fuck it, Casual Encounters here I come. I need a drink and I haven't cashed my paycheck yet.
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