I've often made the argument to friends when they cry over a few dozen bottles of wine that they're too fucked up for a relationship and there aren't any guys out there who want to put up with their bullshit that it isn't true. My go-to is that everyone in our age bracket has baggage and has at least two crazy exes and a handful of restraining orders, so of course there is someone out there who can handle our type of crazy. Lately though I've had less and less inspiring words to say. I think I might have resigned myself to dying alone and I might truly hate people. I joke about it all the time, but I might actually just be done with the human race. Don't bother passing your Xanax prescriptions this way ya'all. That's like candy at this stage.
Obviously I care about my family and my friends. But everyone else? Meh. The other day when I was buying some hummus and kale, hummus being wine flavored and kale being Cheez-Its, the dude working the case register asked me if I wanted to donate to knee cancer or some shit. I actually was offended. No, I did not want to donate $5 to knee cancer and why are you all up in my shit? A year ago I would have donated $5, wrote my name super pretty and drawn a big heart on the the little card thing they give you, and felt all kumbiyah and shit towards mankind or whatever. Now I just don't understand why this guy is talking to me and I've decided I'm ordering everything I need in life online. People are just, unnecessary.
I think the moment when I decided that I just didn't feel like people were worth the effort was when my last ex said that since we'd already been together for 6 months he just felt like he shouldn't have to try anymore. Honestly, what the fuck does that even mean? That sounds like something you'd say about a video game. You try beating it for 6 months, that weird monster with the three tits keeps killing you in the 23rd level so you just decide, fuck it I don't want to try anymore and play a different game. Can you just decide one day that you're going to stop trying at your job? Do you stop loving your family after a few years because you "have them" now and don't need to try anymore? The fact that people actually feel this way is really depressing. If I had feelings, I might even cry about it.
It's probably my abandonment issues haunting my vagina but I always manage to find the guy that either doesn't care about anything, or the guy that cares about all the wrong things. Like the guy that doesn't care if he gets to work on time, or has that 6th beer when he knows it's a bad idea, or says that really mean thing that he knows is going to make you cry but does it anyway and then gives a half-assed apology. Man, I fucking LOVE that guy. Seriously, if you're reading this call me.
Even worse is the guy that talks about how much he cares about his family and friends but then texts while you're trying to tell him how you're worried about losing your job or convinces you that you're only fun when you're super stoned because you won't hold him accountable for being a fucking child. That guy is super awesome. Here's hoping he dies in a car fire. Joking, maybe.
What these two common breeds of worthless human beings have in common is the self-righteosness. Why does the world owe you something? Did you cure cancer? Because it definitely wasn't knee cancer since Ralphs is still trying to stop that. Did you save a hundred orphans from a burning fire? No, you have not. I'd say the only worthy thing you've done is not procreate successfully. So congratulations on that.
But thanks to these awful human beings I can't be a real person. Currently I'm talking to a really decent guy. He texts me just to see how my day was. He buys me pizza and whiskey and finds some really awful stand up to put on when I've had a super shitty day. He wants to hang out with me all the time. And I can't deal with it. I bail on plans. I wait an hour to respond to his texts. I do all the shit that I hate. I know I should feel shitty about it but I don't feel anything. I just shrug my shoulders and watch another episode of Boardwalk Empire. Which probably also isn't great for my mental health since EVERYONE DIES.
In all actuality I don't know that I can convince myself that people are decent and there are good ones out there. Maybe I should just start being pen pals with prison inmates. Obviously all prison inmates are just misunderstood hot dudes from biker gangs right? Shit I hope I still have some of that stationary with my name in flowers...
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