I heard something so offensive the
other day that I almost offered myself to ISIS to be a suicide bomber because I
couldn’t even handle that was happening in this world. (Too soon? Sorry, not
sorry.)
My coworker was talking about her family getting
together for the holidays and mentioned how she was super excited to see her
younger sister, but she was also a little hesitant because little sis is kind
of a Judge Judy and my coworker is recently separated from her douche husband
and has been gettin some side D. Like lots of side D. I’m basically living
vicariously through her vagina because it’s being worked harder than that
wrecking ball in Miley Cyrus’s music video. Anyway, let me move on from my
bitterness and get back to the story. I asked her why her sister would be mad
about her having a Stella got her groove back moment. Then she said her sister
is a 30 year old virgin and plans on staying that way until marriage. After I
made a lot of weird noises in my throat and the muscle spasms in my face calmed
down, I basically screamed at her to repeat herself. (How I still have a job is
a fucking miracle.) In all seriousness, I thought virgins were extinct after
the age of 25. Or at least there are about as many as those nearly extinct
albino rhinos. Even the Mormons are smart enough to get married at like 14 so they
can get it in. If my mind had been a virgin, this would have been an epic
milestone because this conversation fucked my mind super hard.
So then I was thinking maybe she just doesn’t date. I
guess if you’ve never had a serious boo or at least someone who didn’t make you
barf in your mouth and you could hang out with for more than a few hours, maybe
penetration was never on the table. (P.S. penetration on a table should ALWAYS
be on the table) I have a few friends (ok maybe like 1.5 friends) that only get
down with people they are seriously dating. In my opinion they’re boring as
shit but you know, life choices, life goals, what the fuck ever. Maybe it’s not
everyone’s jam to fuck a stranger at a wedding in your car in the hotel parking
lot. Allegedly.
But then I found out that this chick has had lots of
serious boos. I assumed at this point that maybe she’s an under the bridge
troll and if she doesn’t party she’s never had the chance to roofie someone to
get it in. Nope. She’s attractive and my coworker once talked about how she had
a friend with a super stinky vagina so I know she’d out her sister if her downstairs
was all fucked up. At this point I was extremely confused and had to take a
muscle relaxer so I could black out for a few minutes and not think before my
brain exploded.
I blacked in about 10 minutes later and started
thinking, are there people dating and in serious relationships who aren’t
boning down? This can’t be happening in the world. What would you do with
someone that you spend most of your time with if you aren’t naked at least 80%
of that time? Do you talk about things? Dumb. Do you have couple hobbies like
fishing or gardening or landscaping? Dear god shoot me in the face. The only reason
I can be convinced to be in a relationship is the guarantee of regular D. Not
having to put on pants and eyeliner and be charming is fucking magical. If all
I have to do is roll over, this is a life worth living.
Maybe that’s why I’m such a disaster. Maybe you’re
supposed to be in a relationship because you like the other person even if they
aren’t giving you orgasms. Wait, no. I refuse to accept this. Call me shallow,
but once the naked parties die down I’m out. I’m jumping off the Titanic and I’m
not sharing my door, even if logically it could fit 3-4 people. Sorry bitches,
I need room to stretch out.
So to my 30 year old virgins out there, you do you. If
your vagina still loves you even though you ignore her, that’s rad. My vagina
is not peaceful. She’s a vengeful, angry little demon and I know better than to
disappoint her. Let me rephrase that. I disappoint her quite often but at least
we have memories of some quality D we can talk about and help us forget the bad
times. Also, just a warning, if you’re holding off on getting rid of your hymen
because you think your first time is going to be magical, you’re going to want
to kill yourself. I’m not kidding. My suggestion, drink a lot, take a muscle
relaxer, and lower your expectations. Maybe actually have no expectations. Choose
someone attractive because there’s going to be a lot of awkward eye contact. And
for fuck’s sake do not choose another virgin. It’s weird enough without two
people sweating and flopping around like an injured sea lion. Oh and best of
luck. Here’s hoping you don’t turn into a terminal TFDer like me. (Seriously, don’t.
I don’t need any more competition.)
Glossary (for those of you that aren’t avid readers and need
to know what’s happening):
D = DICK
TFD = Trollin For Dick
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