My last blog was written during an Ambien blackout. Am I sorry? No. Am I still pissed about the actor not wanting to get me pregnant and then pay for the abortion? No. Because I studied his picture last night after a bottle of sangria and decided that he has a weird eye. Like his eye gets a little wonky. I can't deal with that. If your eye gets a little wonky just from a normal day of living your life, I can only imagine what the fuck happens when you're blacked out. I just really can't be bothered with that kind of stress in my life.
But it did get me thinking about how I wasted an Ambien blackout on being pissed about him. And probably wasted a lot of hours being irritated that he phantomed on me without even letting me ruin his life a little bit. And then this took me on a dark path thinking about all the other stupid shit I've wasted my life on.
One of my exes is a huge asshole. Like, for real. He says the wrong thing pretty much all the time. He's the guy that if you're crying and having the worst day ever, he'll let you know that your mascara is running and remind you that no one loves you. And it just makes you feel even worse having someone who's so...nothing...saying words that make you die a little inside. One time I was arguing with this dickhead at a bar who was being super misogynistic and belittling me. Instead of defending me, Asperger's (this is the nickname he's earned with my friends and I won't apologize if you're offended) ended up defending the douchebag and basically telling me I was a fucking idiot. Great guy. Seriously. But the absolute worst thing he ever said, that to this day has fucked up my psyche, was the first time he saw me without make up fresh out of the shower he looked right at me with disgust and said, "You look weird." Now, even though I felt like he'd kicked me in the face and wanted to crawl into a hole and die, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because, I mean, Asperger's. But no. When I saw him a little later, when I was wearing make up and my hair was on par, he said, "Ok good, that's better." WHAT IN THE FUCK MAN. Why does a dude feel like he can say that to his girlfriend? He probably never gave it a second thought but that moment still haunts me. I was super paranoid about a dude seeing me without make up on forever after that. It still gives me some anxiety but I refuse to get more wrinkles from sleeping with my make up on for some lame ass dude that won't be around in 3 days. Bye girl. This guy also told me I wasn't very smart on many occasions. This coming from someone who never went to college and was unemployed 80% of the time I knew him. Maybe I was stupid though. Stupid for listening to his bitch ass. Again, bye girl.
When I was boning down with the 21 year old former/current heroin addict he made an offhand comment once that when he was my age (at the time I was 25) he was going to have a super rad apartment and be making all the money. At the time I did have a super sweet apartment that I paid for all on my own and a pretty decent job making more money than most people my age. But all of a sudden my apartment looked like a fucking box in a Wal-Mart parking lot and my job might as well have been giving HJ's in my box in the parking lot. This bothered me a lot. I felt ashamed even though I'd worked really fucking hard to get where I was. The disgusting part is this was coming from a kid who lived at home with his mommy who paid for everything. He worked part-time as a bartender and didn't even have enough money to pay for his taxi rides home from my apartment. WHY!? Why would I let this kid make me feel like a loser? I still have moments when someone is coming over to my place where I try to overcompensate and buy more expensive vodka or vacuum 70 times. Then I remind myself that I have a bar cart and a wine fridge so as far as apartments go...mine is fucking NAILING IT.
Also the older man vegan that lived at home with his mom made some comments that really shit on my soul. Like the time he compared me to a Suicide Girl he was obsessed with but said I kinda looked like her but maybe an older version of her. She was older than me by at least 6 years. Awesome, thanks. Love hearing that I'm a broke down Suicide Girl lookalike. Or when he told me that he put his dick in lots of places but I shouldn't care because he sort of almost loved me so I was the most important hole of this penis to hang out in. Luckiest girl alive!!!
No wonder I'm such a fucking mess.
I wonder if any of them ever suddenly feel a wave of insecurity from something a lady said to them that was pretty fucked up. Maybe someone told them they had a weird ballsack so getting a BJ makes them nervous. Or someone told them they weren't very smart so they google everything to prevent sounding unintelligent. Honestly though, I know that's not true. Because their mothers told them they were 10's when they're 4's at best. Except for the heroin addict. He's a 12. Maybe even a 13 when he doesn't talk. But still...I know he doesn't have a cool apartment and a bar cart and a wine fridge because I saw him sitting outside his parent's house smoking a cigarette the other day. Nailing it bro...totally.
Also, I just bought a sling, like for a baby, so I can carry my 20 year old dog around when he gets tired of walking and we have to run from the crackheads fighting over cans in the alley. Does that sound like a stupid, broke down Suicide Girl, with a shitty apartment? NOPE. SUCK IT BITCHES.
I'm done listening to douchebags and mommy's boys and the unemployed and the small penised. I may not be living the dream, but I'm pretty positive I'm living the dream of a Puerto Rican prostitute. WINNING.
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