You'll be very happy to hear that yesterday I had the worst date ever. I should've just given up when I was not that far behind and married the date rapist. But no, because I am a fucking masochist.
So I sent this bearded, Viking looking creature a message on okcupid about a month ago. The message only mocked his dislike of Mexican food and unkempt face bush. It should have been a red flag that he thought my insults were charming and admitted he was excited that I had messaged him. Clearly he didn't read my profile thoroughly enough to identify the daddy issues that require men to withhold all of their emotions so I lose my fucking mind trying to make them love me. What an amateur.
Anyway, after hours of text harassing that I found somewhat entertaining, I thought what the hell and asked him if he wanted to hang out. Plans were made to go to a little brewery so even if we hated each other at least I could shove my feelings into a pitcher of delicious craft beer. Below are exact quotes from this dude and my reactions. I hope you have booze and snacks y'all because shit is about to get REAL!
1. "I hate my mother."
In my head I heard, "I hate my mother so I'll eventually hate you when you're old and remind me of her." I get not everyone loves their parents. But maybe reveal your Menendez brother fantasies when I'm on beer three. Maybe even beer 7 so I won't remember a word you said and therefore cannot testify against your psycho ass in court.
2. "Here is a picture of the last girl I took on a date. I think she's a lesbian."
Who the fuck does that!? I don't need to know that I'm way more attractive than the last girl you tried to penetrate. I already knew I was. And now you just forced me to pretend that I'm not disgusted by this face you shoved in my face. Sunday is not my day for pretend. Give me a fucking break. Also yes, she is a lesbian.
3. "My sister is a bitch. I live with her."
Cool. That rules out boning at your house because I don't need your sister judging me and trying to blame pubes in the tub on me because bitch I don't have those! (Thanks Raj!)
4. "My best friend is obsessed with me and tries to fuck me all the time. Look at all the texts she's sending me right now."
It was at this point that I just chugged my beer and hoped my heart would explode. I don't even want to fuck the Viking but suddenly, because this skank is all up in my business, I feel like I should pee on the dude or something. If some dude is obsessed with me and trying to penetrate me constantly, I'm tired. I'm locking that shit down and doing yoga pants and beers in bed. WHY ARE YOU HERE!?!
5. "I've turned down sex from a lot of drunk girls."
Then proceeded to tell me about each and every one of them while I tried not to barf in my beer. Drunk girls trying to get laid, those are my people. How dare you mock them. Also I have a hard time buying this, show me the fucking receipts.
6. "I'm already drunk."
After 1.5 beers. There are no words.
7. "I always bubble wrap so I don't get AIDS."
AIDS might not get you but a Yaris driven by a crazy blonde bitch might run right through your god damn bubble wrap.
8. "Gay men want to fuck me. They like my eyebrows."
Apparently I was on a date with the guy everyone wants to get plowed by. Good to know.
9. "I don't play video games. I play board games. All the time."
Oh, well that's way better! Get me a fucking gun.
And then the final gem that really got my downstairs damp...
10. "I dated a married woman for four years. It really fucked me up."
So now we're both rolling up with a uhaul full of mommy, daddy, drunk girls, married women issues? Aw hell no. There's only room for one disaster in a relationship and that title remains mine. ALWAYS.
Moral of the story is, shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear everything about you on a first date. You talked your way right out of a parking lot HJ. Congrats and give your penis my condolences.
But guess who reactivated their okcupid account? Let the next shitshow begin!
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