I had a good day today. Actually, since I was released from prison early on Friday I've been having a really fucking good couple of days. I mean there have been a few things happening that aren't great...but in the scheme of things I didn't hate my life for a hot minute. Oh don't worry ya'all, this isn't about to get all positive and warm and fuzzy. We're not going to have an Oprah moment and hold hands and thank some dude named Jesus for all of the great things in our lives. Reality donkey punched me. And then anally fucked me with no warning, and definitely used no lube. Not even a little spit on the hand. Let's start from the beginning.
I jumped back into dating almost immediately after my last break-up. It seemed like a good idea at the time since I'd been over the dude for a month or more and judge me if you want but I'm at my best when I'm being consistently penetrated. I don't require love, just a heavy rotation of naked wrestling. The kind of wrestling where I really don't have to do a lot if I don't want. That's my jam.
Anyway, I met a dude and we started hanging out. He was funny, attentive, family-oriented and we liked the same music, art, both had some style and all of that. I don't know why it happens but I usually end up dating people I have nothing in common with besides drinking or having genitalia that fit together. It was cool to hang out with someone that played music I was super into and had style that I could appreciate. But after a few weeks I had to admit that I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be someone's date to their family member's wedding and meet the parents and help babysit the nephews and nieces and double-date with the best friend and his girlfriend of 5 years. I didn't have it in me to try to impress anyone and be someone's everything or even something. Yeah, I get it, I'm a fucking asshole. So I told dude I wasn't into it, I was sorry, he was great and he'll find someone else blah blah mother fucking blah.
He tried to convince me I was wrong and did what we always wish a guy would do and kept texting me and calling me and trying to remind me that he was still there and into me. I ignored all of his attempts and eventually even deleted his number and blocked him so I wouldn't have a drunken moment of weakness and show up at his house pretending I just really needed to pee and then let him put it in my ear because that doesn't count. After months, he finally gave up. The power of the pussy is real folks. No fucking joke.
I guess I didn't think he would ever think about me again. Apparently he does. Or he drank a lot of whiskey and aimed all of his anger at the bitch that wouldn't love him. I got a text from him tonight saying the following:
"i still think about you and i fucking hate you because your not even that great and you only brought the cheap whiskey over and you had to leave early because you work stupid times and the only good thing about you was your ass and i hope all the fucks you meet leave you because thats what you want to happen"
The grammar is atrocious. Seriously. Siri must hate you because she ALWAYS makes sure my "I"s are capitalized.
But real talk, what the fuck do you even say to something like this? The fact that it came from a different number and I still knew exactly who it was, was like being punched in the cervix. I'm honestly not out here trying to ruin people's lives. I've had my heart stomped on to where I thought I was going to die and there was no way my body could survive without any of my internal organs working. Obviously, since corpses aren't as witty as I am, I survived. And I've never felt the need to unleash on someone months later. Yeah I might bash my exes a little in my blogs, but I consider them more like meningitis that could have killed me but I survived it and I even still have enough liver usage to continue my heavy drinking. No permanent damage here!
I guess it makes me realize that people pleasing doesn't get you anywhere. If I had been completely honest with myself I would have never hung out with someone I knew was looking to wife up when I was only looking for someone to distract me from the things I hated in my life. And maybe I should stop assuming that I'm forgettable and people won't even notice if I phantom and disappear. I haven't gone B. Spears circa umbrella vs. van crazy and assume that everyone loves me and wants to put a ring on it. But I guess I need to use my vagina instead of my heart and let people know when I'm not feeling it. Or restraining orders, that could be a good tactic too.
Now I'm going to drink a box of wine and try to think of something to say to this kid so he doesn't hate women forever and anger bang some hookers outside of a Denny's at 6 a.m.
Anger bangs happen between 12 p.m. and 2 a.m. Get it together people.
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